How External Stress Can Sabotage Your Relationship (And How to Stop It)

Discover practical steps to turn relationship stress into growth opportunities.

Hi there!

Sparked by moving apartments, caring for a two-month-old baby, starting a business, and juggling daily activities, today we reflect on the effect of external stress on relationships—not only with ourselves but with others, specifically the teammates we choose to share our lives with.

🧠 On My Mind:

Here’s a thought: there are three different entities in a relationship. There’s you, your partner, and the relationship itself—a perfect three-legged stool. If you don’t care for one of the legs, the whole stool will be unbalanced. So, when making a choice, consider whether it's healthy for all three entities.

Last week was a roller coaster of stress and excitement. At moments I found myself thinking and even saying out loud: 🤐

• "I can’t stand you when you do that."

• "If you loved me, you would..."

• "You never change, no matter what I say."

• "You're just like your mother/father."

🫣 I know… how could I?

But how could I not? If we are constantly bombarded by drama on TV, and social media, and most likely, we grew up hearing some of these thoughts around us?

🔍 The Why:

Under stress, it’s much easier to victimize oneself, falling into states of mind that show:

• Self-doubt: "I'm not good enough for your love."

• Avoidance: "It's easier to just ignore the problems and hope they go away."

• Overwhelm: "I can't handle this anymore; it's too much for me."

• Hopelessness: "No matter what I do, nothing will change."

• Resentment: "You never appreciate anything I do."

• Defensiveness: "I have to protect myself because you're always attacking me."

• Competition: "I need to win this argument to prove my point."

• Stubbornness: "I'm not going to change until you do."

In contrast, there are healthier states of mind that produce different thoughts:

• Acceptance: "I accept my feelings and am willing to discuss them openly."

• Empathy: "I understand you have your own perspective and I want to hear it."

• Collaboration: "How can we work together to resolve this issue?"

• Growth: "This challenge is an opportunity for us to grow stronger together."

• Communication: "Let's find a way to communicate that works for both of us."

• Forgiveness: "I choose to forgive and move forward in a positive direction."

🕰️ When to Take Notice:

Listen to yourself talking to yourself and your partner. Are you feeding negative thoughts that promote feelings of overwhelm, insecurity, fear, and resentment?

If so, try to understand where they come from. Accept them for what they are—thoughts. They don’t define you; your actions do. Here's how I changed my thoughts:

• "I can’t stand you when you do that." → "When you do that, it bothers me. Can we find a compromise?"

• "If you loved me, you would..." → "I feel loved when you do this. Can we find ways to express love that work for both of us?"

• "You never change, no matter what I say." → "I've noticed this pattern, and I'd like to discuss how we can both grow from here."

• "You're just like your mother/father." → "I want to understand your perspective and how we can address this issue together."

By making these changes, we can make a conscious decision to continue growing together in our intimate relationships.

🏆 Transformative Moments:

Transformation comes when its applied! This process is known as cognitive restructuring or cognitive reframing.

🕵️‍♂️ Key Steps:

1. Identify Distorted Thoughts: Recognize and write down the negative thoughts that arise in various situations.

2. Challenge the Thoughts: Analyze the validity of these thoughts by looking for evidence and considering alternative viewpoints.

3. Replace the Thoughts: Develop more balanced and constructive thoughts to replace the negative ones.

4. Observe the Impact: Notice how the new thoughts influence emotional states and behaviors, leading to more positive outcomes.

♻️ Share this exercise with someone who would benefit from it.

Keep Going, Keep Growing,

Your Coach and Friend,

Carlos

📥 Hit reply and send me a 👍 if you are interested in a free webinar on Healthy vs Unhealthy Mindset and Cognitive Restructuring 😃 

Pro tip: It’s never too soon to say “I’m sorry,” to listen to your partner, and to make a conscious effort to change. You both decided to give this relationship your best, so be willing to dive deep and uncover all your pre-conceived notions about your relationship.